Wiggling & wondering what lays beyond - 9 sober years and counting!

Andrew Edstrom
May 29, 2022
6 min read

5/26/22 represented 9 years of sobriety for me. In my continuing spirit of vulnerability and my own evolution, here in lies this installment to share thoughts and reflect on my sober birthday. Let’s see where the mind meanders today.

We seem to live in a world where a ‘status quo’ is to have oodles of plans with a destination….., dripping with expectations and the urgency to arrive. In the world of addiction, or I’d say everyone’s mental health, expectations are a slippery slope and urgency is something we could loosen a little. Together or separate these put inherent pressure to perform and deliver something specific…….. But what about the space between? What about the unknown, the destinations we never saw coming, or the one that slipped by our eyes as we thought about what’s for dinner instead of what’s right in front of us? Where’s the room to wiggle? Where’s the green light to color outside the lines, create a unique story, create new branches, which aren’t a path for others to directly follow, but to serve merely as guideposts to fertilize their own branch to grow.

I’ve always had a hard time with the question: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m an advocate for goals, they have purpose, yet I think there is unfair expectation (... that word again) in society today to follow a path that someone else designed. I believe in - and let me propose we adopt - some additional mindsets related to the unknown, the space between and a way to maneuver within those realms. What follows, I believe, are some of many tools that have helped me navigate addiction. But let us also be crystal clear that mental health and addiction are one in the same. In mental health, we all need to be vulnerable enough to keep an eye on said health and take care of …… ourselves. I’m not perfect, but I’ve adopted selfcare, I’ve adopted myself😊.

Mindsets on my mind:

First, as you might have guessed, leave room to wiggle. This proposition is a little like dancing freely with a little flair, or think of it as music. We like to listen to music as it plays, not as it ends. Do you want to listen to the music or feel it? If we really love a song we move within the music, meaning we go with the flow, we sing, hum, bounce the knee, or tap the toes. We aren’t statically watching the lyrics roll by like a karaoke machine, we move beyond a linear line and get more out of the experience. That is how wiggling can work. This wiggle waggle is letting go a little, surrendering to a present experience and seeing where it takes you. Think of a river, it carves its own path by meandering through a landscape. By doing so it flows naturally with the surrounding and provides habitat for other creatures to thrive. Sometimes it breaks its banks as it overflows with the present experience and what comes after is a new version of itself. The river doesn’t follow a straight line, it doesn’t want to and what comes next is an evolution of itself. In the human realm, I think with practice, we can each get better at wiggling a bit more. Sure there is always some friction to overcome, but that’s ok, we need that, it’s in our DNA to be ready to react and it helps us grow beyond who we are today. If you find yourself sitting with some inner tension, think of it as your soul telling you there is a life of deeper meaning waiting for you. I think that is an exciting feeling to go explore. And as we explore ourselves, our world, our goals, our inner tensions, our joys, if we meander a bit more, we may discover more than we would have previously expected to.

Wiggling led me on a roadtrip with a loose destination and I discovered a shipwreck on the coast of Oregon. I firmly believe I was channeling the Goonies, “Hey you guyyyyyysssss!”

Pivot. Be available to pivot. If I pivot off the previous points the theme of surrendering comes back to mind. Surrendering is a pillar of addiction recovery. If we surrender, we are not resisting, we are not fighting……we are accepting things are not as we planned, not as we’d hope to have controlled. If we surrender control, we are breaking down barriers and compromising between our ego and a more natural state of things. With less barriers comes more room to adjust to the moment. Pivoting can be relative to a moment in time and or our long views on life. We may have a belief or a goal, but are we prepared to deviate? For context, let’s not be too rigid with the definition of pivot. It shouldn’t have to be a 90 degree turn. Lets think of the concept as bread. Stale is the bread we left out last night. Rigid. When we pivot we could think of it as a piece of dough. We can work the dough, nourish it and help it remain malleable. Maybe you wanted to make a sourdough loaf, but suddenly it’s a little gooier than you wanted, so pivot and curl up some pretzels. It’ll still taste good in the end. Pass the cheese please and share a piece of that pretzel.

Pivoting on a return trip to Minnesota from Alaska found me with a little extra time and a notion of old stomping grounds. I turned the wheel a little and it put me on the shores of Lake Superior on a glorious day with Syd. I wasn’t expecting that, but I’m glad I allowed the moment to guide me.

Embrace the unknown. Do not fear it, accept it. We live in a universe that is always moving, changing, and evolving. It isn’t waiting for us to catch up, but we have to be up for the chase to discover what lies ahead. The unknown may be daunting, but I’m trying to look at is inviting. Inviting like a shadow in a early dawn light whose figure is waving you closer, and when you get to it, it becomes the light of a new day, the sun warming you as you experience today’s discoveries, only to find another shadow at dusk, lurking, urging you forward. The unknown eludes, yet we should continue to pursue. For that is the journey of life: progress not perfection, a continuous journey of discovery. I’ll admit I’m struggling a bit with this concept, at this particular moment in time, but if I reflect on past experiences, the unknown has delivered countless gifts. The unknown in inevitable so if I accept that, if I surrender to that, then I’m setting the stage to for new discoveries and the next version of myself. I'm excited and a little anxious. I hope I find surprises in the unknown..... and I think I will, I'm almost certain I will. While certainties have comfort I have to continually remind myself of the old adage, “life begins when you step outside your comfort zone.”

The unknown made me a tour guide and brought me to a Homestead in Alaska. A little earlier in life a few questions and the unknown helped me find Syd as a little puppy needing a home. These are but a few profound experiences when I stepped into the unknown and each have brought me peace and happiness.

As I continue to meander through sobriety, managing mental health and leading a curious life, I send this out as a beacon of perspective and hope to those who follow or seek a similar path. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again……., man I love being a turtle…….., wait……, wrong movie but I do love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles……., and pizza…….. and Mr. Pizza in my hometown (I’m drooling)…….., but I digress…….. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: In your own movie, in your life, if anyone wants to talk further on any of this, always feel free to reach out to me or anyone you feel comfortable with. Many are willing to listen and often, the first step, asking for help, will return in gifts you never thought of asking for.

Sooooo, shall we stay behind the window and stare, or we do we follow Winston Churchill’s words, “Success if not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”….. Join me and lets journey into the unknown, continue to wiggle, to pivot and go find what’s waiting for us….. out in that space between!