Am I only 10 years old?

I’m writing at part of my vulnerability journey (as these are never perfect nor are my ideas) and writing as part of my service to others (maybe some nugget of info is helpful). Before I dive in, I’d like to remind any readers to reach out if anything resonates or if questions arise. I’m always open and happy to chat about anything.

I made it to ten. Ten years of sobriety! Hooray! I think often about my journeys in this life. Ten years ago, I was given a chance to redefine my life, to live and not die. What has been interesting to ponder is…… on 5/26/13 did I start over? That was the last day I had a drink. Did I…., am I…., maturing from a new birth date? Is my brain still developing and my consciousness evolving from a new point in time? Perhaps…... Perhaps I was able to hold onto the roots of my tree of life which resonated……, and then grow new limbs? The future is always uncertain and I’m ok with that. So, as I continue to reflect on life, let’s peer into the caverns and see if I can dig up 10 lessons from turning 10.

1) Believe that you are right where you are supposed to be. I sometimes ponder, am I behind the curve? Given my circumstances in life, 44 years old, never married, no kids……., I ponder if I’m behind in this game of life? I choose to answer that question with a firm NO….. I’m not behind. I’ve learned to not force things, to try to be patient, to listen to my heart and the resonance around me. What does that resonance sound like?.... That, as they say, is a different story. It’s complicated, but in short, it relates to taking moments to soak in your surroundings and registering how a place feels deep within. I can admit the doubt still creeps questions if I’m somehow behind the curve, but it fades quickly as I believe there is no curve. We are each unique and should walk a unique journey to share with others. Come as you are, not as someone thinks you should be.

2) Challenges bring opportunities:

a) My sobriety journey…... In our darkest hours, we emerge to see the light.

b) On a roadtrip back to Alaska I hit moose in the middle of British Columbia. That is a different story to be told, but it has left me without a car for a whole summer living in semi-rural Alaska. This happened on my sober birthday, which is usually a day to reflect or do something for myself. But the gift that was given to me, was some new friends, new experiences, and new perspectives. “The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

3) Never think or speak in absolutes. Why limit yourself. You are sending an energy, a message to the universe that you are not ready for something bigger. If we think in absolutes, we cut off imagination and the wonder we had as a child. By saying, “I’ll never” shuts the door before it open. In a phrase uttered by two well regarded philosophers, Calvin and Hobbes once said, “Becoming an adult is probably the dumbest thing you could ever do.”

4) The illusion of control is like a loaded weapon.

a) This is the one time I may disagree with Yoda. “Control, control, you must learn control.”…… Must you? ….. Yet he redeems himself by saying, “You must unlearn, what you have learned.” …… more on that one later.

b) Expectations and regrets are a recurring theme to me. These words can be used to illuminate and comprehend. We want to control our outcomes to avoid future regrets and control our future by inflating expectations. I choose to take an alternative view. If I let go of control, I can glide into hopes and reflections. These two words are also recurring themes for me and I aim to let go of control (expectations), let go of resentment (regrets) and lean into the unknown to help broaden my field of vision. To gain perspective and grow beyond today.

c) What do I mean by control? For me control is best illustrated by nature and the ongoing quest to understand the spiritual realms.

i) In the addiction and recovery world, giving up control is believing in something greater than yourself, which I would refer to as spiritual realms. This realm doesn’t have to have a singular source (Jesus, Allah, Odin, Zeus, Yoda), though it can be if you choose, and there is beauty in that ability to find your own way. Whichever way you choose to identify it, the fundamentals are the same at least in the addiction world is I cannot control the addiction. If I think I can responsibly drink, I cannot. My brain is not wired to act responsibly. Some people can, I cannot, because I cannot control the chemistry in my brain.

ii) Control as illustrated by nature was illuminated to me by a spiritual advisor I had at Hazelden. In 2013 I completed a 30 day in patient treatment for alcohol addition, where I was blessed with the opportunity to go to school on myself and choose….., choose how I wanted to emerge. Annette was a Spiritual Advisor, and she was gifted with insight. Knowing very little about me, one of the first things she said to me was, “just go outside listen.” She didn’t tell me what to listen for, or what to ask for, but that re-awakened something inside. Many unexplainable insights or emotions have come to me since that day and it watching nature simplifies my believe in a higher power and the spiritual realms. Indeed, there are realms and ideas of spiritualty I’m learning more about, but nature simplifies this when I really need it most. In those moments, I can just look outside a window, go for a walk, or watch Planet Earth and let David Attenborough melt my mind into the realm of nature. If I had full control, I could create a tree. Though I love a good fantasy story, I am currently unable to create a mountain, a tree, those birds or the clouds in the sky. Nature exists in its own balance if humans get out of the way. Now that is some magic, a fantasy story in real life. When life feels unwieldy or makes me anxious, a simple remedy can be a few steps away. This works for me and may I suggest that if anyone is struggling yet seeking a concept of a higher power or spirituality, start outside. Go outside and listen……. You might be surprised what you will hear.

5) Meditation is mandatory. I learned Transcendental Meditation (aka TM) back in 2020. It’s been a gift that keeps giving. Provides me a tool to relax and put my mind and body at rest. Science has shown that tools like meditation or non-sleep deep are highly beneficial. Many options exist and free videos exists online to utilize. If you haven’t heard of The Huberman Lab, that podcast lists low cost or no cost resources for this or all sorts of other things.

6) Long live the king…., the king of wishful thinking!

a) Think outside the box, leap a little...... or leap a lot.

b) Dare to dream. And tell someone about it. My journey to Alaska began as a 20-year-old watching Dick Proenneke build a log cabin in remote Alaska by hand. Alaska was a mere dream at the time…… a far away land…… Then later is life, the catalyst to live in Alaska was ignited because I shared stories with a guy (now a good friend) named Mike. That led me to leaping a lot, finding alternative solutions to my work/life balance with I danced my way to Alaska singing Go West’s song…. “I am the king of wishful thinking”

c) Reflect on this gem from Jim Carrey, “So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it.

7) Gather your light…… think about what feeds you. Not what social media or others feed you. Those can offer perspective, but refer back to the point of unique selves…… Take pause and disconnect for a minute and find what fuels your fire. Once you stop fertilizing your soil (soul), it dries up. Hone in on what you find beautiful.

8) You must unlearn what you have learned (thank you Yoda).

a) This could be the new drum beat humanity needs. We live in a changing world, wrought with challenges and opportunity. We have to rethink how we are living this life, treating this planet, treating our people and creating unbalance.

b) From my personal perspective’s lessons have been this. Loosen up. Shit happens, and what are you going to do? Call the Ghostbusters? Not today. Today we call ourselves….. I have found it unwise to think we have a predetermined box to fit in, or narrow path to follow. Society has boxed us into milestones to make, yet who made the milestones? We have learned to unconsciously walk other people paths …… If we are all unique, then we should have unique goals, desires, dreams, etc. The challenge is finding the latitude to fit yourself into a world filled with rules….. and tailor your uniqueness to jive in this world. Easier said than done, but in my experience, worth the effort.

9) Choose love, instead of fear. It's a lens of positivity. Empathize, sympathize instead of judge. I heard someone once say, be for something instead of being against something.

10) It’s ok to feel unsettled. Might be the underlying theme of my life😊..... and I’m not saying it’s always pleasant. For me……, I know I’m a seeker. I’m constantly searching, seeking, asking (among other things): Where do I belong? Where are my people? I may not have found all the answers yet, but I must go looking for them. If I don’t, what’s the point of life? Watch life go by, or start participating in it, on my own terms.

Love to all, thank you for sharing your time.

#sobriety #addiction #recovery #mentalhealth #believe #neverinabsolutes #nature #spirituality #reflect #hope #perspective #meditation #kingofwishfulthinking #unique #unlearnwhatyouhavelearned #love #seek #whispersnwanderers

Regards,

Andrew Edstrom

“Wherever we roam, may it always feel like home”