COME WHAT MAE

Andrew Edstrom
2 days ago
9 min read

Some knew of her….. a few saw her…… fewer people met her……. and I never really got the chance to introduce the world to Mae. I wish I had been able to….. like the world was able to see Syd………… Alas, Mae left this world on January 20^th, 2026. Only 1 year and 4 months after she came into this wakened life. While I’ve felt sad, grief, momentary anger and 1,000 other emotions….. I’m also filled with some joy and gratitude that I was able to, first and foremost……, love her dearly and able to feel that unconditional love in return..…., and was also able to show her, and let her……, sniff 5,000 miles of North America including 8 States and 3 Canadian Provinces. Not too shabby eh for 2 months of shared life?!?! I had so many ideas of what my life was going to look like for the next 10-15 years. Alas, the universe had other plans. But what happened? ………… Mae suffered a spinal cord injury literally overnight. Actual cause is unknown. There are some ideas, yet nothing concrete……., a perfectly healthy young dog and poof, everything changes. A large and smaller lesion formed in her spinal cord paralyzing her back half. ER, consultations, MRI, dark nights and days… in the end the prognosis was bleak. She wasn’t going to be able to regain the ability to go to the bathroom on her own let alone the use of her back legs. Ray, the owner I adopted her from, was so brave to help me…., and we had to make an impossible choice to let her go. That night, the night of January 20^th I did receive a magical message from the beyond. More on that later, but a hint is it was clear sign that Sydney, my last dog whom I dare to guess anyone reading this knew….., was coming to take Mae with her…… As this set in, a word came to mind…..Fuck….. I lost Sydney a year and half ago, and now Mae. At some point soon after Syd crossed over, I decided to light a candle each night. So, before I went to bed I would tell her I loved her, I missed her and to take care of herself and I’ll be ok….. Now I light two……, and tell them to take care of each other… and I still think I’ll be ok.

If anyone knows me or knows enough about me, they knew how much my last dog Sydney (Syd) meant to me. How she was woven into the fabric of my life in ways that words cannot describe. I was gifted 15 glorious years with her, and while her crossing over left a hole, I didn’t want to replace her. My heart was (and is) always open to another dog, but I wasn’t going to force it. Life has taught me, and if I listen to and watch nature, the answer to most things is patience. Hopes, desires, targets, ideas…….., these are all wonderful and important and they can and will happen….., they just might end up looking a little different at times. If we put intention in the cosmos, it is listening and it will respond in time.

Mae was gently introduced to me by Ray. A friend I first met on the Kilcher Homestead in Homer, AK in 2017. In fact it was one my first few days of being there. Ray was fishing with a friend by day, and by night we spent a few evenings chatting and hanging out with the views of baby blue waters and glaciers of Kachemak Bay. Syd was with me of course, and I had no idea then, the intuition Ray had and observed in my relationship with Syd. We stayed in touch over the years, so he knew when Syd has passed away…… then maybe 6-7 months later he gently introduced to this young pup….., he just sent me a picture of her and said, “this is Mae.” No pressure he said, but she might be fit for you. She’s a great, smart dog, but has some FOMO….. she wants to be with her person 24/7 if she had it her way. That isn’t always possible in regular life, but wait a tick (tock)….. I work remotely, I road trip with a van (so I could take my dog with me)……, maybe there is something there. What was beautiful about all this was Ray’s patience with me. Remember patience from a minute ago?............. I can’t emphasize this enough. He saw the love I had for Sydney, he knew what a deep relationship with dogs can feel like, he knew I was hurting, and said just think about it and I’m not going to offer her to anyone else….. This was Spring 2025. Mae sat in my thought-cage from then on. Curious what a new dog could feel like, curious if I was ready or capable of taking this on. But I didn’t want to rush it…… patience persisted…... Ray lives in Oklahoma, so after some time I said, just go visit them. See what happens. I flew to Oklahoma in July 2025 for a quick weekend in the red dirt lands of OKC. While there wasn’t some magical light that beamed down on Mae and I, I got a good enough sense of who she was and thus could go back home and ponder some more…. Sit with my feelings and see what might fall into place. During this time, I was already planning a road trip to the Banff Mountain Film Festival in early November. Banff might not be ‘close’ to Oklahoma in most people’s minds, but it was in mine. Side note. Don’t ask me how far away something is. If it’s a 20 hour drive…… I say….. yeah, I could do that in about a day. So, as I pondered Mae, I already knew that I was about halfway to Oklahoma. Piece of cake. It’s just a little bit further. As the summer waned, I had to make a choice. Commit to Mae or keep waiting for something else to fall into place…… Well, didn’t this fall into place? Heck yeah it did….. I decided to say yes! I told Ray……, all I can offer is to give her no more than I gave Sydney (which was everything)… and with that, the table was set. Fall road trip, a new phase in life. I picked her up mid-November then with the compass pointed Northwest we were bound for home in Alaska.

Fast forward to Alaska in December, Mae and I arrived home to an unprecedented 5 day windstorm and no power. Why not start life in Alaska with a little adventure. She was a little bundle of joy, all 33lbs of her. I finally had a furry friend again to go wander some trails and swim through nature and life. So, we did. We wrestled, we ran, she ran more, and fetched, she got lots of treats and some new toys and I was adjusting and grateful for some new energy in my life. We watched all seasons of Stranger Things together. She helped me take intentional time to sit and get lost in a story and share with another soul. It was great little bonding time to rub her belly and experience this Goonies like adventure over many weeks of watching….. Many other things happened too…..

Then the tragedy struck….. overnight paralysis and gone in 4 days. Fuck (again).

Letting her go was so hard. So many questions before, during and after rattled in my head. Could I have done more, should I have? What about the trauma to her in the long term if I tried to do more? What about my trauma? What should I do? What could I do? What happens if I lose her? Now what? Now what? That all went through my head over the course of a few days and even more so the day I let her go.

Yet, amidst this, something magical happened that same night. You can believe or not believe, but this is too surreal to ignore in my mind.

When Sydney passed away, I went on a road trip thinking it would be better for me to not be home alone. So, I headed south where I know people up and down the west coast. Along the way I was in Washington near Port Angeles and the Olympic Mountains. One day I had a grief therapy call talking with someone about Syd. I was down at the beach as I wanted someplace serene to have a heavy conversation. After the call, I had to drive into the Olympics as I was camping up in the mountains.

It was dark by now and as I drove back to my camping spot a song came on from a playlist I had on shuffle. This playlist has about 500 songs on it. So, not intentionally chosen, yet a song came on as I was driving up the mountain road called “Guiding Light” by Mumford and Sons. Guiding Light……. And I remember listening to this song and sort of jamming about it and grieving Sydney….. as she as was a guiding light for me. So, I’m jamming, car seat bopping a bit….. I’m thinking, I’m emotional, and soaking in this essence her and this song weaved around my heart and soul in a timeless moment…….and without realizing it I had driven right past the turnoff for my campsite. To be able to turn around I had to go much further up the mountain pass to find enough room to turn the van around……….. When I finally found a spot it was a scenic overlook and strangely (because it was already dark) the parking lot was full with people all perched near a ledge. No idea why……. So, I parked and got out and as I looked north, in the direction they were all staring, and to my delight I saw one of the better northern lights visuals I had ever seen!!!!!! Immediately I was shaken a bit, buzzing and tingling and tears welling up……... she heard me. Sydney heard me! I climbed to the top of my van sat and wept and watched and just said thank you…… thank you Sydney for showing me you are still there and watching over me! Guiding me, showing me the light in life.

When I had to let Mae go, I held her in my arms and closed my eyes and asked Sydney to help her. I hope Mae wasn’t scared, I tried to comfort her and love on her and hold her….. I have heard that when we or animals cross over, they never do so alone……. THEN……………..On my drive home, this time in Alaska, hurting and crying, what do I see….. the Northern Lights glowing in the mountains to the north that sit just beyond my house……. My Guiding Light……….., Sydney, gave me a sign to say, I got this, Mae is in good hands. I couldn’t help but imagine those two running together on a ray of light, on their way, taking a ride to the other side. Coincidence???? I think not.

Now I have a new connection to something already mystical and beautiful. I’ve seen the aurora a few times since then. When I do, I bundle up, I go walk outside and while I may cry a little still, I also can also smile and say oh look, the girls are outside playing tonight!

I’m not heartbroken, but I hurt at times. At first it felt like the last year of my life was just a dream. This thing I wanted and was patient to receive is gone again. This dream, this liminal space felt challenging at times, a little numb, yet I’m emerging and will continue to do so. Writing this is another step in this process. Grief never leaves us, it just transforms.

Dogs can be great teachers. Anything can be a great teacher. Dogs have this uncanny ability to be unequivocally themselves. No shame, just love and joy and play and more. One of the greatest lessons Sydney taught me during, and after, she crossed over, was what unconditional love looks / feels like. What asking for little, yet giving everything looked like. What I’ve learned so far (and there will be more) from Mae is:

Live each moment to nth degree. She took advantage of every millisecond to maximize the moment she was in. We could all learn from that. Maybe that shows up as gratitude and simply surrendering to the present experience without judgement.
It’s fun to give things to others - a shoe, a sock, a piece of paper, a lighter (yes she did that), her treats, my treats, a water bottle, a stick, half a tree, her toys, my toys, the wool dryer balls… she loved to help me unload the dryer and when all those little fuzzy dryer balls bounced around as I clumsily emptied the dryer, she would bring them back to me and was a little confused why we weren’t playing fetch…., so of course I indulged her a little and we did.
Sometimes…., often times….., a souls path is not for others to decide. It was strange coincidence perhaps that at the end of Stranger Things, El, this special soul, had to go her own way and not everyone knew why. Maybe Sydney needed Mae, maybe some of her sisters from Oklahoma needed her, maybe both. I think a bit of both.

I love you Mae, I always will. I feel you in my heart, I see in the forest and fields, I smell you in the breeze and I have faith that you and Sydney will take care of each other and will watch over me until I can see you again.

In the end, maybe the best gift will be a mantra for this year, for life…... Come what Mae!

Love to all, thank you for sharing your time here with me.

Thank you Ray for trusting me to give Mae what I could and for helping me before, during, and after this experience, we are connected for life, we did our best and I’m grateful for the journey. I also want to share gratitude and thanks to Marcus and Julie who have been beside me in some of the best and hardest moments of doggy life (and regular life too).

May love live on forever.

#reverence #goodgrief #patience #love #comewhatmay #unconditionallove #aurora #watching #heart #whispersnwanderers