REVERENCE & GOOD GRIEF: Can they coexist commingled with 12 years of sobriety

Piecing the puzzle

A misty morning, some might call dreary, can be later followed by a glowing soulful sunset. Such contrasts life brings, such contrasts just one day may bring. At a time when I try to intentionally reflect on my journey through sobriety regarding my needs and how to grow and evolve, 2024 delivered a new challenge.  The fading of a friend, the furry friend for 15+ years of my life. A soulmate she was, a soulmate she still is. My focus was rightfully on her while I also celebrated 11 years of sobriety.  Now I’m here at 12 years.  My journey to sobriety…….., the growth, the challenges, the reverence of that achievement brought grief and sorrow in watching a light in my life fade in her current incarnation.  So, this year, I wanted to write in remembrance, in honor of my vulnerability to share, and in honor of Sydney (Syd) for what she shared with me.  Unconditional love, steadfast consistency, and a willingness to wag a tail through all moments of life.  When I first found her on Petfinder, her name was Speckles.  I get it, the name, it sold her, but they also said every time she waggles her tail she swings so hard her butt wiggles.  Ah, the simple joys of life! Every wiggle, every season of life has lessons. The trick is being open and ready to receive them and reflect in terms of progress, not perfection.  Through all moments of life, the simplest tenant of sobriety “one day at a time” seems to always win. It just works.

Sometime in the spring of 2024, the term reverence was handed to me, I do not remember how. I’ve realized, as I reflect, I’ve been holding that word in my hand and heart for many years.  Only now, do I better understand it. As Sydney slowed, and my caretaking duties increases, I held on tight to reverence.  Cherishing moments while her living self was still with me. All the simple things, to many to name, just the presence and energy locked into each moment in time. In August 2024 she passed away.  In her last day we shared ice cream, twice.  Then, it was time for her to rest and find a new sense of peace and watch over me without the burden of carrying her physical body that wasn’t feeling well.  As hard as it was to let her go, somehow, I knew it was time. Now that she’s gone, it’s been a struggle to find a new rhythm, it’s May 2025 and it’s still hard.  Somedays are really tough still.  I can’t put a timeline on grief.  Sometimes I wish I could, but that is not fair to those we grieve.   Moving in and out of many emotions I began to ponder:  Can reverence and grief coexist at the same time and or under the same context? I’d like to think so, it’s a puzzle I’m trying to piece together.  Reverence and Good Grief…. Though I have to admit I’m not fully there yet…...  Journey before destination…… I may never figure this out, but I’m going to explore it, and maybe take a few of you along with me for a written or spoken ride.

Unpacking terms

Reverence

A profound sense respect or admiration. It invokes feelings of awe and honor towards someone/something that is incredibly important or sacred.  Reverence involves a humbling of the self in respectful recognition of something perceived to be greater than the self.

Grief

An emotional reaction due to the loss of which we love. It is highly complex as it can invoke anger, sadness, loneliness, relief, guilt, confusion and more.  We all will face it differently in each situation, be it another soul or your favorite thing.

Good Grief

Allowing yourself to feel and remember that all the emotions that accompany grief can take us somewhere, they come from something cherished. Go ahead and cry, be angry for a moment, but also reflect as to why. For example:  Grief is love persevering. It’s the next relationship with love.  Good grief is reverence in a way. If you experience grief, then it is because you held something, someone in reverence.

Let us practice – live it

Reverence: Finding sobriety

Good Grief: Losing an identity

Reverence: Losing an identify

Good Grief: Learning to let go of a past so I could create my own future

Reverence:  12 years sobriety

Good Grief: Suffering on the bad days so I can see the light on the good days

Reverence: 15+ years of Sydney’s unconditional love

Good Grief:  Losing that living spirit yet finding comfort in her eternal spirit watching over me and walking with me. Turning that frown, eventually upside down as she leaves clues for me in my world and reminding myself that experiences and memories will always be mine

Reverence: Type 1 and maybe Type 2 fun (for us outdoor types – if you know, you know)

Good Grief: Type 3 fun

Reverence: Nature and all her wisdoms and gifts

Good Grief: Circle of life

Reverence:  Love

Good Grief: Whether fleeting or lifelong – believing that love always has a way to transform me

Where to now?

While grief can be overwhelming, reverence held with grief can offer moments of solace, smiles and reflection, allowing you to focus on the positive memories and the legacy left behind.

It's quiet here now, it has been for a while…….. I miss Syd. My soul simmers in silence aching to hear her breath, hear her sigh, hear her little bear bell ring behind me and beside me. I am vulnerable, sometimes I feel weak, yet find strength in admitting that a man can cry, and cry often, and feel good about it.  My emotions have been turned up and I’m radically raw and revealing new layers I hadn’t discovered before.  I am in awe how grief is leading me to grow.  Nonetheless, I’m at a crossroads, unsure yet curious of what trail I shall blaze for myself going forward.  Everything I’ve worked towards for the last 12 years…., to embrace sobriety and reinvent how I choose to live….., part of it feels faint right now…...  Though, I can smell goodness on the horizon, like a distant campfire, whose alluring scent hangs low in the forest and I can’t help but be drawn towards it.  I’m seeking and I aim to find it, find a new rhythm.  I can feel the seasons changing, I feel myself changing….. and I’m shown every day that grief, this good grief I’m feeling……….. points me towards reverence that I’m just grateful to be here and to experience this life.

Love to all, thank you for sharing your time here with me. 

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Regards,

Andrew Edstrom

“Wherever we roam, may it always feel like home”