Sobriety at Seven: Pondering, Hearing, Hoping, Healing, Freedom

In a strange year, May 26, 2020 was a day that came and went for me. This day has become an intentional moment for me to reflect, write, appreciate life and to be proud of myself. Many moons beyond 5/26 I have unfinished business. What 5/26 represented to me, in 2020, was 7 years of sobriety, meaning my last sip of alcohol was 5/26/2013. While I’ve committed myself to share perspectives on this day, this year I chose to wait. It didn’t quite feel like the right time. This was the weekend of the George Floyd murder, COVID was COVID and I felt my thoughts could wait. There were, and still are, deeply human moments erupting and emanating through the veins of the world. So time and ebbed and flowed yet I want to finish this installment of writing.

I never know where my thoughts will go when I reflect deeply on what has happened to my life, though when writing something like this, related to sobriety and the studying philosophies in life, the overarching goal is simple. To be uncomfortable, imperfect and share perspectives. Why? Because it may open a door of insight for others or even myself. I’m not here to tell anyone what to think, I only project thoughts and themes I believe in, thoughts I emotionally experience, or thoughts I ponder. All I ask is read this with an open mind and see where the wind (words) blow you. We are all blessed with the gift of free will, so it is for you to decide if anything……means anything…….. to you. Addiction is one of many plagues society faces, and could use more voices. So, I choose to call out as one voice, and see who else wants to chime in or listen.

Disclaimer: I’m not an expert, I’m not a therapist (though I do see one), I’m just a humbled human. Perfectly imperfect like everyone else. Treading water, staying afloat, and aiming for a good life.

While it is true, I write for myself, but I also write for you. Who are you? You might be in addiction recovery, watching someone else suffer, hiding in the shadows, are curious to learn more, suffering your own trauma or injustice or fighting a demon within. No matter who you are or where you are at lin life………… you….. I…….. we…….. we never walk alone. Be it in a physical or spiritual realm, we are surrounded with a positive resonance we may not always hear. It is indeed out there, yet many……, dare I say all, need help tuning to the frequency. In the Star Wars realm, they call it The Force (yes yes, roll your eyes is you choose). The Force surrounds us, it penetrates us, it binds us, it brings balance.

Having said that, in these trying times after the events involving George Floyd, COVID, and misinformation abound, we all might be wondering who walks with us, who stands beside us and how do we bring balance to this world? In realm of the events surround George Floyd (and many others throughout history), it is clear humanity has much work to do in construct of equality. It is clear the world must redesign existence as we know it and realign how we treat people and eliminate injustice. Those moments, and reflecting on them, had me pondering a correlation of racial inequality to addiction. Perhaps it was my subconscious searching for a way to empathize or sympathize to an issue I can’t relate to. The correlation came through a few a words: Misunderstood, scared, left out, stereotyped. People who feel this way want to feel equal, want a voice, want to see signals of support and signals change in how they are treated and how they are viewed. Though, to get there, may require uncomfortable conversations and more sympathy and empathy. It would be nice to see people accepted for who they are, or who they want to be. For an addict that might mean being accepted as someone with various struggles, who carries pain, feels stereotyped as being a bad or weak person……. yet that person likely feels misunderstood. If society looks down upon people in negative tones, it’s hard to feel like you are part of the same playing field. Clearly 2020 was a challenge, though we did see signs of resilience. We heard voices crying out and others willing to listen which is essential for human connection. We all live on this pale blue dot and the more we come together, the better we can all be. Humans are inherently pack creatures, and while every hermit may feel content in their place, the majority (believe me, I have the experience) still yearn for connections. I’d like to think that most of us yearn for the opportunity to deepen the understanding of a world that surrounds us. If you don’t already practice that yearning, I strongly suggest you start. There are 7.8 billion individuals on this planet today, each unique. Think about it……………, 7.8 billion perspectives and imagine what we could learn from each other if we ALL stopped and listened. Knowledge has the power to bind. So, we should do things for the greater good and remove artificial boundaries. Remove the constructs built over time that served the few and not the many. I’ll let you decide what those details are, and then we can have some conversations and learn together as one world, one race. We are not there yet, but I do have hope.

That word hope holds an important key to unlocking the code of addiction. Hope can be unlocked through many avenues, but one fundamental path to endeavor is vulnerability. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, vulnerability is essential. But, from firsthand experience I can tell you it is hard to get there. I try to be vulnerable….. daily…. I have made progress…. though I get stuck….. often…. like a deer in headlights. Often, while frozen for a moment in time, I feel a cascading range of emotions where I can struggle to let people in, to let the moment in, to stand my ground, yet also relinquish it…… to be confident, but quiet and just listen. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing, and I shut down for a moment. I kick myself for shutting down, but it is a defense mechanism. Sometimes being vulnerable is letting moments come as they may. Feeling that moment helps me take a step to power back up and pivot. I pivot through various tools, for example: A quote, a song, a breath of fresh air, or the unconditional loving snuggles from my dog Sydney. My methods are imperfect, and I am aware of my flaws…… the flaws that I am aware of. So in return I have constant homework. I work on my life, I ponder the flaws I’m not aware of, I try to learn, to grow, to evolve. Not because I must but because I want to. Alas, I still get stuck, I struggle to ask for help, to open a full veil of vulnerability. When that happens, I then turn to another tool: intentional self-reflection. I try to reflect on the moments where I was stuck, and I ask myself, what did I say, what didn’t I say? How did I feel? How did they feel? How could I have reacted differently and so on………. Sometimes it’s exhausting, my brain moves like a hamster wheel on ludicrous speed, endlessly spinning on a squeaky hinge creating echoes off the walls in my head. And then it will slow down or stop……… because (I hope) I did the work. In my old world of addiction, the alcohol numbed many of those echoes, and I thought the numbing felt good. But you can’t feel numb, and I just felt empty or lost. I want to feel, I choose to feel. Feel the good and the bad. I’ll always be a student and maybe one day will have wisdom to pass down, yet a student can still teach. I’m not always thrilled with the idea of more work, but I’m satisfied with it because it’s rooted in vulnerability. I think we need to rewrite a dictionary definition of the word vulnerability. Today it is defined as, “Capable of or susceptible of being wounded or hurt”…… but I’d say that definition is upside down because we might be opening a wound, but it is to heal and not hurt. That path to healing can be couched in a simple phrase that I tell myself often. The ideology is not about reaching a summit, it is about the journey, a rewarding journey with a reminder to not get complacent and summed up in only three words: Progress not perfection.

Further redefining vulnerability, I’d say it equals strength, and that philosophy, that perspective, helps me. I’m grateful, every single day (progress)…., that I was able to rise and invoke change to help myself understand my addiction, and how to deal with it. My hope is if I can continue to show vulnerability, maybe others can to. Then together we create a rolling synergy that gains momentum and tumbles down life’s tunnel like the rock chasing Indiana Jones in the Raiders of the Lost Ark, though be mindful of booby traps (perfection) as it may cause you to turn and run.

What else is vulnerability? It contains some tenets of pain, but it also is empathy, sympathy, love, compassion, understanding, listening, reflecting, and sharing. The world could use a lot more of that right now. We must take ownership of our own actions, and in the case of addictions, there is no magic pill to cure our ills, but there is always room for progress. Progress starts from within. To make progress though, one needs some momentum. I’d suggest one form of momentum can come from confidence (that is strength imbedded in vulnerability). Confidence can be challenging when it comes to our internal dialogue, that Jiminy Cricket chirping on your shoulder. For many of us (including myself) it can be hard to tell yourself, “yes I can,” with enough vigor to get the ball rolling. I’d also suggest thinking of confidence as its own journey. It may take some time, but the confidence to say “I want something better” is a simple first step. Writing this finds me wanting to mention something: This journey to sobriety can be viewed as selfish if you are an outsider looking in and watching or waiting for an addict to ‘heal’ themselves. I bring up this word ‘selfish’ because either in the beginning or throughout life, an addict needs to work on themselves. This is a critical component. This self-work (selfish) will take time away from other aspects of life and requires sacrifice. In my opinion, the resulting self-love and desire to “want something better” will enhance that person’s life AND all aspects around them. I’ve seen or read about it happening in many forms and it requires some patience and belief in the process from all sides involved in the journey. Remember there is not an end point to sobriety, it is a continuous journey. Show empathy, show sympathy and perhaps one day that addict will hold out a hand and bring you closer to their own journey. If they don’t, please keep in mind they may need more time, or they may have found their own way that works for them. Believe in them, believe they are doing this for themselves, which means they are a better person for you.

If we can assemble this puzzle (vulnerably, empathy, sympathy, perspectives, etc.) and seek individual growth I believe it can have an organic cascading impacts to enhance communities, bring balance and bring change. A journey together often starts from within.

A shadow world: I think people in addiction are often part of the forgotten world, yet we walk amongst you. We are sitting in a corporate office, we just passed you on the street, we just waved at you from our unicycle ride, we are on a far off wilderness trail or at home writing a story…… and at our core (I believe) all addicts want a way out. Some walk under a veil of shame, some are quietly proud, some are a mix of every shade in the space between. For those addicts out there, who desire a chance at a better life, remember that desire is a start (progress). It lights a beacon of hope, which creates movement that leads to change.

We all want to be free of something: free of pain, free of suffering, free to be or become the humans we want to be. Addiction can be a prison for the mind, but there is path to freedom, and it begins with baby steps. Be vulnerable, ask for help, and see what happens.

We face a time of crisis on many fronts. A pandemic, systematic racism, addiction, this list goes on ……….. none of it is fair, yet we can choose how we react to it. That choice can create a new pandemic of sorts, an infection of empathy and desire for our systems to change. We all have roots (where we began), but we are free to grow in any direction we choose and cast new seeds. New seeds will help a neighbor grow, which builds community, building community leads to opportunity for change, then change provides more hope which leads to vision and this process can create a cyclical platform where WE evolve to stand together. Where WE make progress through all these pathways leveraging these themes that make up this puzzle of life.

Where do we start? A short answer: stop hurting and start helping. If you can’t help, then get out of the way, and let the rest of us do the work.

Where can we start helping? Like the COVID time of crisis, a simple thing to do is check in with a friend or a neighbor if you have concerns. Ask how they are doing. Think about it, a simple offering of, “how are you doing?” or “I’m here, what do you need?” can start a ripple effect. Some simple words might open that door for a first step of progress in an addict’s life or anyone else who feels unheard.

As I try and weave all this down to a final thought, I’ll leave you with an excerpt from a poem, a vision written in 1935 by Langston Hughes. Mr. Hughes was an African American poet who dreamt of a better world, an equal world. I think it relates to the current times we live in and what I’ve shared today. For the ones who feel out of place, lost, unheard, oppressed or other, his vision was clear, and it is up to us to help make it happen. Mr. Hughes wrote, “O, let America be America again ----- The land that never has been yet ---- And yet must be ----- the land where every man……..is free.”

Think about it…… I know I am……… A land where WE all…….. feel open…..….. and feel free.

Thank you for listening! whispersnwanderers & Sydney